"HEAVEN SUCKS"
"The Pearly Gates"
Written by
Justin McFarr
Stick A Fork In Me Prods.
Registered: WGAw
"HEAVEN SUCKS"
"The Pearly Gates"
FADE IN:
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
A new-millennium Volkswagen Bug drives down a quiet road. Four guys in their early twenties are grooving to the radio beat. In the driver's seat is KEN, a helluva guy with a goatee and an eyebrow piercing. Beside him is TERRY, with bright green hair and an ever-present grin. Riding in the back are RAJ, clean-cut, from money, and JOSHUA, glasses with a Clark Kent demeanor.
KEN
The tunes loud enough back there?
RAJ
I am so glad I talked you into the Blaupunkt.
TERRY
Righteous. Raj, you feel like continuing your
generosity streak, you can buy me a car stereo, too.
RAJ
Terry, you don't even have a car.
TERRY
You can buy me one of those, too.
JOSHUA
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say... if I can
still hear you jokers THE TUNEAGE AIN'T CRANKING
HARD ENOUGH!
Ken hits the radio and the music blares.
TERRY
Deaf by thirty. I'm all over it.
An eighteen-wheeler barrels around the bend.
CLOSE ON --
THE DRIVER, who is fast asleep with his pedal to the metal.
The bug approaches the truck, our boys singing along with the song.
TERRY
Uh, why does it look like that guy's coming right
at us?
KEN
Because... he is?
All four scream, over the sound of the music, as the two vehicles collide.
BLACK OUT
FADE IN:
EXT. FOG BANK - DAY
Smoke swirls as the boys emerge from a fog bank into the back of a line of other people.
TERRY
Anybody catch the license plate of that truck?
RAJ
It hit us. Didn't it?
JOSHUA
Either we're all having the same "I'm at a Whitesnake
concert swimming in dry ice" dream, or we're dead.
TERRY
Whitesnake or death? Whitesnake or death? Do I get
another choice here?
KEN
I did not just put all my savings into that car to
end up dead.
JOSHUA
Life's harsh, babe. Or, you know, it was.
RAJ
So where'd we land? Any bets?
TERRY
I'm putting ten on Hell.
RAJ
I hear ten on Hell.
TERRY
Raj, can I borrow a ten? I'm a little short.
JOSHUA
You're also a little dead. How do you plan on
paying my boy Raj back? With afterlife currency?
Rotting corpse chump change?
KEN
I got ten bucks and I'm gonna be the voice of
optimism and say Heaven.
RAJ
Heaven would be nice. I'm not as cynical as Terry,
but I'm still jaded enough to place my bet on Purgatory.
JOSHUA
There's a safe bet. Anybody wanna cover our boy Terry
on the double hockey sticks?
TERRY
I missed my share of Sunday sermons, but I'm pretty sure
that what we've all been doing since, say, thirteen will
get us a ticket to the sauna room... it's a big ole
mortal sin.
KEN
Slapping the happy pappy's not a mortal sin. Gotta be
a venial sin.
JOSHUA
How many different types of sin are there?
KEN
Well, you got your mortal, your venial, your original,
your --
TERRY
Your Huey, Duey and Louie sins. Those fall under
bestiality, I think. Anything involving Disney
livestock is punishable by eternal damnation of
your soul.
RAJ
Or being forced to listen to "It's A Small World"
for an eternity.
TERRY
Same diff. Hey, the line's moving right along.
Who's the dude supposed to be at the end of this line?
KEN
Well, if you're right, it'll be Beezlebub, the
red-faced monster of rock himself, Satan. If I'm right,
it should be Saint Peter, and if Raj is right, it'll be
either Elvis or Andy Kaufman.
TERRY
I'm hoping for Elvis, personally. The guy might've been
a dumb hick with peanut butter and chili on the brain,
but he could rock the house.
RAJ
Maybe it's more of a weigh-station, you know. I mean,
isn't there supposed to be like a cooling-off period
after you die? Allow for it all to sink in, before
you're thrust into some new reality for all of eternity?
JOSHUA
Well, considering we can't exactly consult our handy-dandy
"after your brains lay splattered all over highway nine"
handbook, I guess --
KEN
Isn't it lie?
JOSHUA
Que?
KEN
Lie splattered. Not lay. I mean, ninth grade English is
all sort of a blur --
TERRY
I knew I was scoring us good weed that year.
KEN
Never mind.
RAJ
We're dead, Ken. I think proper grammar is the least of
our worries now.
TERRY
What are you talking about? We got no worries. We're
roadkill right about now. No earthly concerns any more.
Just party party party.
JOSHUA
Which is pretty much what we did when we were alive.
So how's this different?
TERRY
According to Raj, we got eternity to keep living like
twenty-year-olds.
KEN
Never grow old. What a truly mind-boggling concept.
I mean, if we suddenly became vampires it'd be the
same kinda thing, but this way...
RAJ
We're actually dead instead of undead.
JOSHUA
Isn't it the same thing?
RAJ
I was never clear on the distinction. Kind of like
cola and uncola. Although, now that I think about
it in terms of soda, it is becoming clearer to me.
TERRY
Could this conversation be any more random?
KEN
Hey look, we made it to the head of the line. And
the winner is...
EXT. PEARLY GATES - CONTINUOUS
St. Peter stands before wrought-iron gates, closed to the four men.
ST. PETER
I'm Saint Peter. Welcome to the Pearly Gates of Heaven.
KEN
Score! In your face, losers!
TERRY
Aw, man, you blow! I needed that ten bucks. Besides,
Hell coulda been pretty swinging. By the looks of
this place --
He cranes his head to look inside the gates --
ST. PETER
Please don't do that.
TERRY
-- it's seriously lacking in a party atmosphere.
RAJ
Let's give it a chance, Terry. Jesus!
(catches a look from St. Peter)
I mean, gosh sakes alive... or something.
TERRY
If my idea of Heaven is behind those doors, there's
gonna be babes, bongs and ass-kicking backbeats
accompanying all the hardcore haps.
JOSHUA
Hey guys, I think we're pissing off St. Peter.
ST. PETER
Gentlemen, I don't get pis -- I am all-forgiving and
non-judgmental. Wait. I take that back. I'm all
about judgement. In fact, that's my job. Judgement
day is upon you and it's my duty to decide whether
or not you -- no, wait, I see you boys are a special
circumstance and -- Oh my.
TERRY
Whoa, I think we fried out a couple of his synapses.
JOSHUA
Chill, man. Show the saint some respect. He had to
get seriously pious for that title, so he deserves
his props.
RAJ
Seriously. Props to the saint!
KEN
Proper props. Properly.
ST. PETER
It says here that all four of you are allowed into
Heaven... no questions asked.
KEN
Are you saying we're getting a "free ride"?
TERRY
No way.
ST. PETER
Yes. Way. Enter the gates and live out eternity in
the splendor that is our Lord's creation.
Awestruck, the four guys watch the gates open. Slowly, reverentially, they enter into --
EXT. HEAVEN - CONTINUOUS
Inside, people sit or stroll, contented and peaceful. It's akin to the small town in "The Stepford Wives." All is reverential, polite and boring. As the gates close behind them, they all stare at each other, bummed out.
TERRY
Aw, man, we been ripped off. Heaven sucks!
The THEME SONG plays while a recap unfolds:
THEME SINGER (O.S.)
Ohhhh, they were just four fellas,
With fun on their mind,
Out for a drive when what did they find?
An eighteen-wheeler, headed their way,
Smash 'em up, crash 'em up, oh oy vey,
Now they've passed through the pearly gates
And with a little luck,
Afterlife will be rockin' and Heaven won't suck
Ohhhh, the afterlife will be rockin' and
Heaven won't SUCK!
FADE OUT