"TRULY TWISTED TALES"
"Saving Private Ryan O'Neal"
Written by
Justin McFarr
Stick A Fork In Me Prods.
Registered: WGAw
"TRULY TWISTED TALES"
"Saving Private Ryan O'Neal"
FADE IN:
EXT. ITALIAN COUNTRYSIDE - DAY
Five silhouettes emerge over a ridge, dressed in military uniforms from WW II. STEVE GUTTENBERG leads the pack, followed by ANDREW "DICE" CLAY, a wheezing WILFORD BRIMLEY, MAC DAVIS, ERIC ROBERTS and a hybrid being with two heads and one body made up of COREY HAIM and COREY FELDMAN.
STEVE GUTTENBERG
(stopping the squad)
All right, let's take a break.
COREY HAIM
Hair!
COREY FELDMAN
Makeup!
STEVE GUTTENBERG
Sorry, Coreys, but we're in the middle of a war out here.
We're on our own, with no help from the outside world.
ERIC ROBERTS
What about craft services, Tom?
STEVE GUTTENBERG
My name is Steve. Remember, Eric? Steve Guttenberg?
ERIC ROBERTS
Right, Bill.
WILFORD BRIMLEY
(in between deep breaths)
I could... go for... a Krispy Kreme... right about... now.
ANDREW "DICE" CLAY
You old "Cocoon"-smelling fat fuck. Shut uuuuupp.
STEVE GUTTENBERG
He's the guy you shouldn't remember. The dope with the
guitar.
MAC DAVIS
Me? Why, I'm Mac Davis, don't ya know? I was big, back
in the day. Hello?! "Sting II"? Ringing the bells,
I betcha.
Blank stares from everybody.
WILFORD BRIMLEY
I'm too... old for this... shit.
ERIC ROBERTS
This doesn't seem right, Hortense, what we gotta do out here.
STEVE GUTTENBERG
I don't like this assignment any more than you guys do, but
we're being paid SAG minimum, so that's good enough for me.
COREY HAIM
What's so special about this guy that --
COREY FELDMAN
-- we're supposed to sacrifice our own careers for him?
ANDREW "DICE" CLAY
I'm with these two fucking freaky midgets here. My career's
pretty much in the pisser and I could use a serious boost of
my own. Sure, I'm a tub of shit, I'm losing my hair and I
don't think my jokes have ever been funny -- but blow me,
I got feelings, too.
STEVE GUTTENBERG
We've got our orders and we're gonna follow 'em.
ANDREW "DICE" CLAY
Guy does a hundred fucking "Police Academy" movies, suddenly
he's in charge, telling us when and where to shit. I don't
get it.
ERIC ROBERTS
Tell you what I don't get. I've got an Oscar nomination, but
do the producers and casting directors care? No, all they see
is Julia's little brother. She flashes her pearly whites, she
gets twenty mil a picture and her own Oscar nomination. I
flash my yellow choppers, I get cast as the psycho killer in
a direct-to-Cinemax flick. Does that seem right to you, Arturo?
STEVE GUTTENBERG
Hey, I've done movies with kids, animals, animated ghosts and
Bob Goldthwait. I'm pretty sure my opinion doesn't hold much
weight in any court.
From over the hill, a group of German soldiers emerge.
STEVE GUTTENBERG (Cont'd)
Look out! Day players!
The actor-soldiers grab their guns and shoot it out with the enemy. All the Germans go down, but not before shooting off Eric Roberts' thumb.
ERIC ROBERTS
They took my thumb, Charlie! My thumb!
He passes out.
MAC DAVIS
How about "Cheaper to Keep Her"? You gotta remember that.
CUT TO:
INT. ITALIAN VILLA - DAY
The actor-soldiers enter the small, waylaid villa. They approach a group of Allied soldiers sitting around a table, drinking wine.
STEVE GUTTENBERG
Anyone here know a Private Ryan?
A young, tousled blonde soldier steps forward.
RYAN PHILLIPPE
I'm Private Ryan.
STEVE GUTTENBERG
We've got orders to take you back with us. It's been rough
for you, we know, losing your career and all, but --
RYAN PHILLIPPE
What? My career's over? But... how? Why?
He starts to break down and cry.
STEVE GUTTENBERG
I know it's tough to hear it out loud like this and I feel
your pain --
RYAN PHILLIPPE
How could you feel my pain? Any of you? I'm young, hot and
the total "it" boy. Nobody treats me like this, I'm Ryan
Phillippe.
COREY HAIM
Ryan --
COREY FELDMAN
-- Phillippe?
RYAN PHILLIPPE
I kicked serious acting butt in "Cruel Intentions" and Reese
Witherspoon gave me a daughter. Check it!
ANDREW "DICE" CLAY
You knocked up a broad? See, me, I thought you was a major
fudge-packer. Hickory dickory dock and all that. Ohhhh!
STEVE GUTTENBERG
You're not the right Private Ryan. We're looking for Private
Ryan O'Neal.
One of the other soldiers, RYAN O'NEAL, removes his sunglasses and puts down his glass of wine.
RYAN O'NEAL
I'm Private Ryan O'Neal. I heard everything you said. But I'm
not going anywhere. I'm staying right here.
STEVE GUTTENBERG
Our orders are to bring you back to Hollywood. You're getting
a second chance, Private.
RYAN O'NEAL
I don't deserve it. I mean, look at the mistakes I made in my
career. All those Peter Bogdanovich pictures -- what the hell
was I thinking? Even my daughter Tatum got an Oscar and what
did I get? Bloated, that's what. No, leave me here to the
life I deserve.
WILFORD BRIMLEY
We... can't do that... Private. You've got... a career to...
fight for.
RYAN O'NEAL
All of you deserve another shot, a lot more than I do. Leave
me here with the fading memories of my glory days.
STEVE GUTTENBERG
If we can bring you back to the a-list, we'll be accomplishing
something, maybe even redeeming our own bad career choices. We
can be responsible for re-creating a future superstar.
COREY HAIM
Just think of us as the Quentin Tarantino --
COREY FELDMAN
-- to your John Travolta.
ANDREW "DICE" CLAY
If that talentless, light-in-his-dancing-shoes putz can do it...
STEVE GUTTENBERG
So can you.
RYAN O'NEAL
Yeah, but I don't deserve it.
STEVE GUTTENBERG
Then earn it.
MAC DAVIS
Okay, I got it. "North Dallas Forty." Y'all gotta
remember that one.
All the soldiers look at him, a bit of recognition shining through. Then --
WILFORD BRIMLEY
In... coming.
The screen explodes in a flash of bright white light.
CUT TO:
EXT. FOREST LAWN CEMETERY - DAY
Ryan O'Neal, a bit older, stands in front of a headstone.
RYAN O'NEAL
All these years, since I got back to Hollywood, I've been
trying to live by your words. I hope I've had a better
career since you sacrificed yourselves for me. I just got
the lead in "Ishtar 2" and was single-handedly responsible
for getting the "Porky's" franchise going again.
(beat)
I hope that I've... earned it.
He pulls a wad of cash from his pockets, sprinkles it on the grave. Starts to cry. Pulls more money out. Falls in a heap on the grave, crying like a baby.
CAMERA PANS UPWARD, leaving Ryan O'Neal crying, TATUM and GRIFFIN standing behind him.
FADE OUT