"HARDCORE HARRY"
"Me Bloody Intro"
Written by
Justin McFarr
Stick A Fork In Me Prods.
Registered: WGAw
"HARDCORE HARRY"
"Me Bloody Intro"
FADE IN:
EXT. WAREHOUSE - ENGLAND - DAY
Staring at US, in the middle of the frame, is HARDCORE HARRY, a 25-year-old Englishman who's lived way too hard for way too long. He takes a chug from a bottle of beer, peers dumbly ahead of him.
DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
Okay, Harry, introduce yourself.
HARRY
Don't these bloody arses know who I am?
DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
This is going worldwide. The States, Africa, Asia, all
over the map.
HARRY
That's supposed to impress? Give me a flippin' break.
DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
Do you want the twelve cases of Bushmills or not?
HARRY
Hey hey, there, not so fast. I'm on with it then.
He smiles, showing crooked and missing teeth. Puts on the sluggish charm.
HARRY
'Ello there, blokes. Me name is Hardcore Harry. I'm
the best stuntman there ever was, is or bloody ever
will be. I do the biggest, the most dangerous stunts,
all in the name of freedom, fun and the love of Her Majesty.
Well, bullocks to that last part about the Queen Mother,
though I'd truly shag that wicked little tart if only I had
me chance. The way she --
DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S)
How about telling us how you got into this line of work,
Harry?
HARRY
Not work, this. Gotta actually make a few pounds, or even
a schilling, in order to call it work.
DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
So you don't get paid for the stunts you do?
HARRY
I do it for the love of the bleeding art. No sell-out, me.
You ever hear of a chap by the name of Evel Knievel? He
couldn't lick the snot off me rag, the pansy bastard.
DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
Why don't you show us how you prepare for a particular stunt?
HARRY
Is this where you stop the camera and then we're at the next
place, bloke?
DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
Cut!
CUT TO:
EXT. OPEN FIELD - ENGLAND - DAY
Harry stands in front of his crew, a motley assortment of characters. BENNY is the toothless mechanic, IDYLWYD THE DWARF is the assistant and EWAN is the lackey with a bad temper. They surround a tricycle that sports training wheels and a booster pack on its rear.
HARRY
Are you rolling there, mates?
DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
We're rolling, Harry.
Harry drops his pants, wiggles his butt in front of the camera. All his cronies burst into laughter.
HARRY
Pretty cheeky, eh, bloke? Heh-heh.
DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
I could've had a career in banking, but, no, I wanted to be
a filmmaker for the bloody BBC. I should be shot.
HARRY
What are you blathering on about there? I thought you
wanted to see me and me crew set up the stunt.
DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
Yes, Harry. The quicker you get on with it, the less we
have to edit. So, please move on, eh?
HARRY
Don't have to be a rude pisser about it, you bastard.
Right, then. This is the stunt vehicle. Took me eight
months to master this heartless bitch and that was before
Benny here hooked up the booster pack.
BENNY
Built that booster all by meself, I did. Yep, just meself
did it. Yep, me.
HARRY
Benny's a pip, he is. So once I mastered this baby, we
strapped Benny's jets onto the back.
IDYLWYD THE DWARF
Benny and the jets! You made a funny,
you did, you brilliant fool, ya.
Cheers to that, you comical genius.
They all raise up pints of dark beer, then chug it down.
HARRY
As I was saying --
EWAN
That beer tastes like piss! Who bought this bloody round?
Bastards!
HARRY
Next round's on you, then. Stop your bullocks, I got a
loving public watching me every move. I got an impression
to make.
(looks into the camera, smiles)
So I ride this menacing vehicle up that ramp, land across
the two-hundred foot ravine and then we all go out for pints
on the film boys here. Sound right? Let's get it on, then.
Harry straps a flimsy helmet onto his head. His lackeys struggle to get him on the tricycle. Once on, he pedals toward the ramp.
HARRY
Gotta get up the proper amount of speed before Benny kicks
in the jets. You got the remote ready, there, Benny?
BENNY
Remote?
Harry pedals faster, on the ramp now. He's approaching the ravine at a good two miles an hour.
HARRY
All right, Benny, hit it!
He reaches the edge of the ramp. With the extra weight of the ineffectual booster, Harry and the bicycle plunge over the ramp and plummet down into the ravine.
HARRY
Holy bollocks!
A long scream, until a large THUD is heard as Harry hits bottom.
CUT TO:
EXT. OPEN FIELD - LATER
Harry, screaming, is wheeled towards a waiting ambulance.
HARRY
OH, ME BLOODY BROKEN LEGS!
DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
My God.
(to the paramedic)
Is he going to be okay?
HARRY
I could really use a pint about now.
IDYLWYD hands him a foamy pint of lager. Harry takes it, chugs it down.
PARAMEDIC
Oh, Harry'll be just fine. He always is.
He's loaded into the ambulance. All his cronies load in the back, Benny holding the mangled tricycle.
CAMERA holds on the ambulance speeding away.
DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
There goes Hardcore Harry, the best stuntman there ever was,
is or bloody ever will be... And cut!
(beat)
Boy, is that guy an asshole or what? Hardcore Harry, right.
Should call him Half-assed Harry. Or Hard-on Harry. How about
Brain-dead, Hapless, Hopeless Harry the dumb-ass? Yeah, and
what about his cronies? Don't get me started on those guys.
I definitely need a raise.
As the Documentarian rambles on, we --
FADE OUT.